“Struggling” Journal Entry April 26, 2019

For the past 3 weeks, I’ve been having such a rough time, mentally and physically.

I’ve been so sad, and down and not feeling like myself at all. Feeling of hopelessness, and not worthy and alone really consumed me to the point that I actually was scaring myself.

I’ve suffered through depression for a very long time now. It shows up unexpectedly, like an old friend whom you’ve had a fight with, and just out of the blue, messages you and wants your company again.

I know my body, my mind, my thoughts, and I thought, this is just another one of those little plunges I go through but will spring back up to my normal self anytime now.

Well, it’s been 3 weeks. I’ve had really bad days. Days that I didn’t and couldn’t get out of bed or go to work or even converse with anyone.

Everything was such a struggle.

The everyday little things I do that makes me happy was a struggle.

Like posting on Instagram. I’m a Lifestyle Blogger and I couldn’t even post for a while.

Seeing what my #bloggingcommunity and #writingcommunity on twitter, was up to, was a struggle.

Getting back to writing was a struggle.

Talking and singing to my dogs, was a struggle.

I knew that when Tyberious would come to my side of the bed and check up on me and I couldn’t even reach out to him, I was in trouble. It was alarming to me. I knew I was sunk. It’s scary feeling sunk, not being able to do anything about it, but cry and go back to sleep.

It’s hard going through this when I have my children here. I try to mask it and say that I’m just sick with a cold, but meanwhile feeling like my world has come apart and I don’t have the glue or the means to put me, back together.

Each day I try to come back to myself again, but it’s taking a while. Meanwhile, people close to me can see I’m not doing well, but unsure of how to help me.

Suffering from Mental Health is a very lonely place to be when you’re already feeling alone.

I’m grateful though for my friends who do check up on me.

Words of encouragement fill my message box;

  • hey girl how are you
  • hey, you haven’t been at work, you ok? I miss you
  • talk to me, tell me how you’re feeling
  • I get you, I’ve been where you’re at right now
  • I’m a phone call away and can meet you anytime you need me, I’m here for you
  • you are not alone

These words right here. That’s what I needed to hear. Reassurance that you hear me and I’m not alone.

Sometimes that’s all it takes. If you hear me at all and you know that I exist. I need that, to rise again.

One day I’m up and the next two days I’m on the floor again. I just need time.

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