A mothers love

Today I went to my old neighbourhood, which is in North York, On. This is where I used to live with my sister and my mother. I lived in this apartment building from grade four till grade 10. We lived on the second floor  and my room had the view facing the swimming pool and the tennis court, it was great. The good old days when I used to have family in my life.  I often come to this spot when I need to be close to her, my mom. My daughter could tell you this.  She knows everything  about me, all my thoughts, my feelings, where I go, when I need to be close to my mom. It’s here.

I didn’t know I was heading here until I got into my car at the last minute.  I didn’t know the reason. It just happens out of the blue.  When you lose someone close to you, you never know when you suddenly miss them, you just do, it hits you, and you instantly want to touch the last thing they touch, or rummage through their old belongings to smell their certain smell or be where they last were.  So this is where we last were. Our Apartment.  At night when husband works late, my thoughts often drift.  At times they float to places where I don’t want to be, but I do.  So that’s when I jump into my car, park at the circular entrance of the building and  pretend I’m waiting for someone, and gaze at our once upon a time balcony, and reminisce about my mom. The love she had for me, was unconditional and unbreakable, imagine that, she wasn’t even my biological mother.

That doesn’t even matter, does it? She loved me from the moment I came into her life, in The Philippines.  My biological   mother had left me when I was a few weeks old.  She said she was going to the local store and never came back..

I’m a full grown woman now, with adult children of my own, and still that stings. It always will. The feeling of abandonment. Not being wanted. Not wondering  why? That’ll always be my question.  But as always, there is that awesome mother I’ll always be thankful for.  The one who loved me unconditionally…

The mother who let me be; Me. To sing as loud as I wanted, to laugh as loud as I wanted, to be a free soul.  To go where I felt alive. The only mother I knew. This is my mother. She may not be my blood mother, but she might as well be.

Thank you for teaching me what patience is, what dedication tastes like, what comfort feels like, what a mother’s love is all about…

May you rest in peace Nanay, mahal kita,  your Maritess xoxo