You live in my heart

When I think of you

I feel sad

I feel happy

I feel grateful

You took me in when you didn’t have to

You said you loved me more than you loved your own children

I wish you didn’t say that

Out loud

Because I already knew

How much I meant to you

Words weren’t necessary

Your actions told me everything

You were my everything

The one who loved me unconditionally

I took care of you

I fed you

I bathed you

I hugged you as you slept

While you were in pain

When your body was letting you down

And without words

I knew you were thankful that I was there

Just like I was thankful to you

For treating me like I was your daughter in blood

Even though we weren’t

It’s been 24 years since you’ve been gone

You live in my heart

As you’ve always been

If I could just hear your voice just one more time

And feel your fingers through my hair

The sight of you in your house dress

And the way you ask where your glasses were

Even though they’re on top of your head

People always say ‘stop living in the past’

They have no idea how stupid they sound

When I think about my past, and about how I was adopted. I feel a sense of sadness and happiness at the same time. You see, I could never ever think of leaving my children behind, no matter the circumstances. You carry that unborn child for nine months. Feeling it move. You nurture yourself so that unborn child can grow, can live. After, you just abandon it. I can’t see past that. Because for me, I could never do that.

People always say to me, that my birth mother probably had a valid excuse for leaving me. That’s fine. I get that there must have been something really heavy that was going on with her life.

For me, growing up thinking about how I was left behind, how I probably wasn’t loved, right from the start. Unwanted.

It really did something horrid inside me.

Nevertheless, I’m grateful though, that the only mother I knew, loved me to the fullest. She stood beside me always, until she couldn’t. She taught me what real love was. She taught me how to be a mother.